Parallels
I woke up this morning thinking about my first miscarriage. I arrived at the hospital believing I was having some type of endometrial hemorrhage because, well, birth control. When they asked me if I could be pregnant, Adam and I both firmly replied "NO". After a blood test and a couple hours of awful the doctor came and informed us that I was indeed pregnant, likely 6-8 weeks along and it looked like I was miscarrying. I remember very vividly in that moment it was like a switch was flipped in my brain.
I can make a baby.
I always knew that we wanted kids, that my body would hopefully eventually carry a child and birth it into the world but being told that my body had done that, without planning, without warning was mind bending.
I CAN MAKE A CHILD.
So that's where the catch is and why I'm still hung up on this whole super curable cancer thing. I have had a range of responses from people (god people say fucked up things when they don't know what to say) and I get that "I'm lucky" that this is the "easy" kind.
No doubt I'm grateful I won't have to lose my hair or endure brain surgery or any of the other unspeakables I watched my friend Judy go through. My body did this unfathomable thing. I know that people get cancer. I know bodies grow it. Other people's bodies. Up until now this was not something my body did. I knew in an abstract way that my body might get cancer. Now my body has gone and done it without warning. I feel great. I feel strong. I feel healthy. I just had a baby a little over a year ago. My body did this awful thing while I was growing a baby people! My sweet, chubby baby grew in my body while it also grew a cancerous growth. That's just fucking wrong.
No matter which way I slice it up I will now live with the dark cloud that it might do it again and in the same way losing that first pregnancy was an unexpected dark cloud it had a silver lining: my body can make life! This cancer thing has flipped the whole thing on it's head: my body can make evil cancer cells. My body can die - that shit's heavy.
I can make a baby.
I always knew that we wanted kids, that my body would hopefully eventually carry a child and birth it into the world but being told that my body had done that, without planning, without warning was mind bending.
I CAN MAKE A CHILD.
So that's where the catch is and why I'm still hung up on this whole super curable cancer thing. I have had a range of responses from people (god people say fucked up things when they don't know what to say) and I get that "I'm lucky" that this is the "easy" kind.
No doubt I'm grateful I won't have to lose my hair or endure brain surgery or any of the other unspeakables I watched my friend Judy go through. My body did this unfathomable thing. I know that people get cancer. I know bodies grow it. Other people's bodies. Up until now this was not something my body did. I knew in an abstract way that my body might get cancer. Now my body has gone and done it without warning. I feel great. I feel strong. I feel healthy. I just had a baby a little over a year ago. My body did this awful thing while I was growing a baby people! My sweet, chubby baby grew in my body while it also grew a cancerous growth. That's just fucking wrong.
No matter which way I slice it up I will now live with the dark cloud that it might do it again and in the same way losing that first pregnancy was an unexpected dark cloud it had a silver lining: my body can make life! This cancer thing has flipped the whole thing on it's head: my body can make evil cancer cells. My body can die - that shit's heavy.
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| My body being amazing and terrifying only I didn't know it then...well the amazing I got... |
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