Nervous System Musings

I’ve been unpacking and sorting through all the parts of myself for so long now that some days I’m not even sure what it’s all for but I keep unpacking and sifting and rolling the pieces around in my hands to see what feels like truth today and then setting them back down, resting and waiting for the solutions to arrive.  This process has started to have a shape and a rhythm for me so I thought I would write it all out in the hopes it might help you too. 

I’m on day 3 of a migraine.  Listening to my body so closely I think I can hear it telling me to run which means I’m at the edge of something.  When I feel the overwhelming urge to flee it has meant that I need to sit still and LISTEN HARDER.  My body has been wrapped up in trauma and dysregulated for so long that the process of getting back to feeling ok is many steps long but I’m getting quicker at naming it and getting started.  

When everything seems so loud and unmanageable I can feel it quicker, name it and start regulating.  For me this looks like tidying up a few things, ordering the external chaos as a mantra for inner taming.  Filling a mason jar with water and drinking until my body is no longer feeling thirsty.  Sometimes I also require a substantial snack at this juncture.  Next, the music goes on, today it’s Taylor’s evermore and then it’s finding a way to create (today it’s pulling out the laptop and typing some stuff into it until I feel like the pieces start coming together again). 

All of those floating parts that want to feel connected and soothed, all of those sharp edges longing to fit back together start moving towards each other and I can feel the smooth soothing start to happen.  Breathing, breathing, breathing and thinking about my breathing is another part of this process.  I think of this process as Adding In stuff to help my nervous system come back to calm.  Adding in allows for the chaos to exist in a neutral way.  I don’t have to delete it, make it stop, never allow it to happen again and so on.  I just need to add in some other stuff that balances out the nasty bits which are absolutely just part of my human experience and embracing them has allowed a feeling of okayness that I haven’t known before.  

Let me break it down:

THINGS THAT SOMETIMES EXIST BECAUSE BEING A HUMAN IS HARD:

• Internal chaos

• Wanting to scream and run away

• Emotional turmoil

• Stories about myself and my life that make me want to burn everything good to the ground

• Anger and rage at my most favourites

NEXT:

• Noticing above and naming that I need regulation attention

ADDING IN:

• Sit still and LISTEN

• Get water and drink it down

• Ask myself if I need a snack and make it if I do

• Turn on music, tune in to some tunes that feel yummy

• Clear the area of stuff, maybe just line up some clutter while being mindful I can put things in their place or just relocate them until it feels more comfortable (note: don’t get caught here with a major clean up or reorg)

• Create anything- paint, write, draw, embroider, cook, add something to decor, repot plants, move body freely

• BREATHE and listen to the breathing with curiosity 

• Wait until the shift happens where the sharp pieces that are poking you come together into a smooth ball of self acceptance and calm again

• Once I feel integrated again I can start to unpack where the dysregulation came from if that’s helpful but also I can just let it be.  

Having lived with trauma and having had my nervous system dysregulated for so long sometimes there is no cause or catalyst to the turmoil other than just being alive.  Spending a lot of time trying to figure out why I feel like completely unravelling is useless.  Being in a place where I can say “I see you feelings and you belong, let’s work on this together” has been the actual key to a speedy shift in feelings in my body.  I like to call it “avoiding the hooks” when the dysregulation occurs I can fully embody the story that my body is telling (everything is wrong, your life is wrong, your people suck, nobody likes you, you must change everything to feel better) or I can embody the knowing that I am actually ok, that nothing is broken in me and that I can hold this version of myself and add in the regulation coping tools and reroute. 

In the past, embodying the story my body is telling me could lead to months of unhappiness for myself and everyone around me.  It led to poor decision making, painful interactions with people I love, no boundaries to protect me when the dysregulation is occurring, no space or time to find peace and calm.  Those cortisol fueled stories were not serving me but I one hundred percent believed they were real and true.  Being reconnected to my body in this way and being able to hold it through the turmoil is a skill I’m honing slowly over time.  Being able to see the dysregulation for what it is has been the key to unlocking more and more of myself in a way that feels kind and loving.  Letting go of all or nothing thinking has also been a big part of this process.  For so long I thought that being healed meant never feeling the chaos again.  Never having those feelings of everything is wrong.  Letting go of that perfectionism has been so important in healing this part of myself.  Shit fucking happens, my body sometimes creates chaos for me that isn’t actually a sign of anything other than I AM A HUMAN WITH A BODY.  I don’t panic anymore (or at least not for long!) and I trust myself to figure the chaos out each and every time.  

I can take care of myself.  

I can honour my needs.  

I can give myself the solutions.

I can bring back the calm.

It’s like a new superpower and I’m here for it.