On Eyeshadow, Mimi and Being Fat

I guess this is my big coming out as a fat person.  Surprise!

For so many years I’ve hidden it from you by being fully up for discussing which diet I’m trying next or how gutted I am that “normal” clothes don’t fit me.  I’ve listened and participated in hours and hours of conversations centred around “health” and “good choices” and “clean eating” that really boils down to something is wrong with my fat body and I should be spending every spare ounce of energy I have after running my business, raising my kids, tending to my partner, keeping my house and living my life, fixing it.  I’ve poured myself into all manner of “flattering” outfits so you could compliment me, so you wouldn’t see that I was like those other fat people who aren’t trying hard enough to meet your standards. 

For me, being fat and saying it out loud is fine now.  I no longer want to have the floor swallow me up when the word fat is uttered in my presence.  I’ve done enough work inside myself and enough research outside to know that the way we as a collective view our bodies is entirely fucked up.  I try not to soften the word "fat" with “plus size” or “bigger body” in the same way I try not to soften the word “died” or “dead” with “passed away” or “gone” anymore but it’s totally fine for you to use whichever word to define fatness or the death of your people, we each have our own ways of coping and I fully understand the way we speak to each other is always tempered with trying not to offend and mitigate shame and pain because admittedly I do change up which word I say depending on my audience because sometimes I can’t handle the weird shit people say when I call myself fat and that’s fine because I get to choose when I want to take on their shit, if ever.  

So what does this have to do with eyeshadow? Stay with me.  I could go on and on about the ever intolerable caricatures of fat people in media.  I could list countless characters over time that have problematically represented fat people over time but you could also look at this list here and I could take more time to tell you about my eyeshadow!  

Do you remember The Drew Carey Show?   It blasted into homes everywhere from the time I was 15 until I was 24 and that’s not accounting for the reruns that would have inevitably been cycled for years after that since Netflix wasn’t invented yet.  I remember the terrible fat jokes that Mimi and Drew would lob back and forth at each other and the very clear underlying message that she was worse because she was a FAT WOMAN.  Every time that show came on and I was in the room with other people I would be freaking out internally.  I can remember the stomach-churning, fake laughing and excuse-making to run away I would be doing the entire 22 minutes the show was playing while my internal narrative was yelling:

“Oh my god there is a fat woman on tv and they are openly acknowledging the fatness and making JOKES about the fatness and good god I hope no one sees that I’m also fat and in NO WAY OK with jokes about it, fuck everything I need to run away”

It’s almost as if I was waiting for everyone in the room to turn around and glare at me and say “Wait a goddamned second, there’s a fat person right here!  How did we let her in?  At least she’s not wearing kooky eyeshadow.”

I’m not sure if it’s directly because of Mimi or just my own need to never draw attention to my physical appearance but I remember always being very careful and neutral about eyeshadow, lipstick, clothing, and just about everything so no one would accidentally see that my body wasn’t conforming the way it was supposed to.

Then a few years ago I embraced red lipstick and it became my calling card for the zero fucks I was starting to give about the impossible standards women are supposed to live up to.  My lipstick became my way of showing myself, of moving towards feeling ok in my body.  One sexy shade of red at a time I was able to move closer to doing whatever I wanted with this one precious container I’ve been given for this one precious life.

Then the pandemic hit and the masks came and all of a sudden lipstick was a thing of the past. Gah panic!!!  After several months I decided on the brightest red hair dye available for DIY and then a few months after that when things opened up I booked a giant shoulder tattoo and then realizing I needed even more of a pick-me-up I turned to eyeshadow...  

For the last month or so, with my 14-year-old daughter setting the example, I’ve been trying and perfecting wild eyeshadow scapes to give me life and also because everything is a tad boring at the moment. 

This brings me back to Mimi.  I hadn’t thought of her for 15 years until I went to apply my very first wild eyeshadow scape.  At first, I couldn’t even remember what show the fat lady with the crazy makeup and horrid, boring fat person life was from but all the fear and self-loathing I experienced in those family rooms as she was paraded around came flooding back.  And so, I’ve spent the last month thinking about how ridiculous it is that I have felt the need to hide, or as Aubrey Gordon says “perform shame,” about the shape and size of my body for 40 whole years.  

Since I was a young child my body has been fat.  I used to think it was because everything was falling apart all the time and maybe I was just eating to cope which may be partly true but also I’m learning that science says that everyone’s body is different. I remember at age 6 thinking I would just eat exactly what my best friend was eating and I then my body would shrink to be exactly like hers and I would be loved and happy.

I want to go back and wrap that 6 year old me up in a blanket and tell her she's just fine and it's all going to work out.

I was put on my first diet at age 9 and I can remember eating eggs with mustard instead of ketchup because ketchup wasn’t allowed and gulping down packets of powdered drink mixed with water that was supposed to fill you up with almost no caloric or nutritional value.  Everyone cheered when I reached my "goal weight" at age 9 for fuck sakes!

Do you know how absurd that is? 

When I think about little girl me I have so much compassion for her, she was so desperate for acceptance, stability, and love.  So much compassion for her parents who believed they were doing what was best for her.  I have compassion for the young woman who didn’t realize that food restriction almost always leads to binge eating (and drinking) and I have compassion for the woman who purged all of that food and booze to keep her calorie counts in check and because it felt like the one thing she could control in a world filled with uncertainty.  

I have nothing but love for all the versions of me that I've been. Now I'm sober and eating for pleasure and nourishment, buying clothes that fit my body instead of trying to fit my body into only certain sized clothes. Compassion, vulnerability and acceptance are changing my life. 

It still sucks that airplane seats dig into my hips, some doctors still don’t get it, certain family and friends still want me to perform shame for them or talk about diets or how long you need to run on a treadmill to burn off that delicious cupcake I have zero qualms saying yes to but being where I am is so much healthier than the disordered eating, self-hating, yo-yo dieting, shame spiral I dwelled in for decades.  

Finding a movement practice that truly lights me up has been a big contributor.  Listening to my body’s hunger and need to stretch and lift and rest has been a practice that goes better some days than others but working towards goals and on hobbies that will never again involve cutting out ketchup or counting calories is progress!  Joining a 200-hour yoga/pilates teacher training with a fully engaged, trauma-informed, super-inclusive studio just might be the most exciting and terrifying thing I’ve ever done.  

Even though the road to get here has been filled with pain, shame, doubt, and so many moments of wondering if it’s the right way, I’ve realized that radical self-acceptance is the only way we can start to change the world.   Nothing good ever comes from hating your body or yourself. Having compassion for myself has given me the ability to be more vulnerable, have more compassion for others, learn to rest and listen to my needs and be a better partner, parent, and community member. 

Even if that love, compassion and acceptance have to happen one triggering, silly, eyeshadow scape at a time, I'm here for it! And if I'm home for the day sometimes I even slap on some lipstick for old times sake.