Hi-Chew in a pandemic

It seems like it should be simple. The answer is no but...

“I want Hi-Chew” my youngest proclaims as we enter the mall with our masks on.  

“I want to buy Hi-Chew, I will use my own money” he presses.

I can already tell where this is heading so I say, “We aren’t buying Hi-Chew.  I’m not buying it and you aren’t buying it, it bathes your teeth in sugar and the dentist agrees with me that you shouldn’t have it.”

“I want to buy Hi-Chew at the store where we buy it, mommy.”

“We are not buying Hi-Chew” I say as I feel my patience evaporate and my anxiety and guilt and all the mistakes of the last 6 months parenting in a pandemic crushing my soul and triggering almost every trigger I can still identify.

My inner dialogue sounds something like this: “Why do I always say no, would a little candy really be so bad?  The last 6 months have been just so hard maybe he can have Hi-Chew about it.  Also, why can’t he listen when I tell him no the first time?  Why can’t he understand that stuff is gross and terrible for his teeth and body?  Why am I so tired?  Would I be less tired if I just gave in more often?  Can Hi-Chew save us? But then your kids would be awful with holes in their teeth and they will hate you as grown-ups because they will realize letting kids have Hi-Chew is insane” and on and on and on.

“Mommy, I said I want to buy Hi-Chew now.” Pleading.

“No, we aren’t buying that.” Firm.

“Well, I’m just going to go over there and look at it.” Sneaky.

“Ok, we can look at it, and then we are leaving. We are not buying it.” Firmer.

We walk over to the candy section and on the way he sees some stickers he would like to have for his collection and we select the ones he likes the best and decides to buy them with his allowance.  Good, I think, now he won’t need the candy. 

As we approach the cashier and the candy section he realizes just as I do that there is no Hi-Chew in the store and says “Aw they don’t have Hi-Chew anymore” and I respond “Ya that’s too bad buddy but we weren’t buying it anyway” trying to exert one last attempt at controlling any goddamned thing at all today. 

He happily claims “Oh well, I’ll get these stickers and we can go look at the snakes in the pet store” and he’s already moved on and disengaged from the Hi-Chew obsession. 

I, on the other hand, am stuck wondering if every decision I’ve ever made is a mistake and if snakes should really be that easily accessible in a mall and if we should be allowed in malls at all, and how soon I can get home to wash my hands. Hi-Chew be damned.