Mocktail?
On Thursdays I meet my friend for pizza and mocktails. We talk about all the things: womanhood, motherhood, small business ownership, anxiety, family trauma, my sobriety, you name it. We both bring our baggage and unload it for a couple hours and mostly go home feeling better although usually one of us cries all the way home or all the way there depending on the day. It's therapeutic.
Last week we were served our delicious mocktail concoction that our regular server dreams up for us but it wasn't our regular server (although she had heard of our weekly request to make us something yummy) and when the drinks arrived they were certainly pretty, and very yummy but after the first long sip I suspected there was booze in it. My friend tried hers and was pretty sure there wasn't so I was mainly convinced I was being paranoid and took another drink. After the 2nd sip I was 98% sure there was vodka in it and decided to verify with the server. A few long minutes later she came back and when I asked she responded horrified that yes they did have alcohol in them and whisked them away saying in her mind mocktails are just fun cocktails...gah! No biggie right? She brought us some booze-free replacements and we finished up our delicious supper and hit the road.
Queue the overthinking. The next day as I relayed the story to my family Quinn exclaimed "Oh no mommy does this mean you have to change your start date?" to which I replied confidently after having overthought about this exact thing for the past 9 hours "No I won't be restarting my sobriety date because I didn't choose to drink and only had 1/4 of a drink by accident" and she, relieved, responded, "Ok good because that would have been really disappointing". Totally.
My body did some 4am panic wake ups for a few days after just like the good ol' days of a bottle of wine a night just for good measure and after several inner conversations I've got my head around my sobriety again. It was a good way to touch my toe in the water of "falling off the wagon" and I did not like it one bit. It's common for sober people to think just one drink isn't a big deal. After being sober for almost a year surely I can handle it now? Truth is I don't want to handle it. I'm over handling it. It's not fun to try to keep it all under control. It's not relaxing to be counting drinks while constantly reassuring yourself that you're not as bad as so and so or that if you don't pass your 4 drink limit it's fine. It's just not fine for me anymore. After 2 sips by accident I just don't want any of it in my mind or in my life again. It's just not worth it.
In a way I'm grateful for this check in. It was a good way to examine my thoughts and feelings about being sober as I approach the 11 month mark. I still want this sober life. I want to feel all my feelings even when it super sucks and I think they might crush me. I need to feel them so that the really really good stuff doesn't get blotted out along with them. That burning in my chest of deep grief, that soul annihilating rage that grips me, that sobbing rush of sadness that leaves me crying in my car, that ecstatic joy when the kids get along for an entire board game, that sky high light floating glee of a gorgeous sunrise, that spinning nauseating grip of pure love for my partner, I'm having it all. Make it a double.
Last week we were served our delicious mocktail concoction that our regular server dreams up for us but it wasn't our regular server (although she had heard of our weekly request to make us something yummy) and when the drinks arrived they were certainly pretty, and very yummy but after the first long sip I suspected there was booze in it. My friend tried hers and was pretty sure there wasn't so I was mainly convinced I was being paranoid and took another drink. After the 2nd sip I was 98% sure there was vodka in it and decided to verify with the server. A few long minutes later she came back and when I asked she responded horrified that yes they did have alcohol in them and whisked them away saying in her mind mocktails are just fun cocktails...gah! No biggie right? She brought us some booze-free replacements and we finished up our delicious supper and hit the road.
Queue the overthinking. The next day as I relayed the story to my family Quinn exclaimed "Oh no mommy does this mean you have to change your start date?" to which I replied confidently after having overthought about this exact thing for the past 9 hours "No I won't be restarting my sobriety date because I didn't choose to drink and only had 1/4 of a drink by accident" and she, relieved, responded, "Ok good because that would have been really disappointing". Totally.
My body did some 4am panic wake ups for a few days after just like the good ol' days of a bottle of wine a night just for good measure and after several inner conversations I've got my head around my sobriety again. It was a good way to touch my toe in the water of "falling off the wagon" and I did not like it one bit. It's common for sober people to think just one drink isn't a big deal. After being sober for almost a year surely I can handle it now? Truth is I don't want to handle it. I'm over handling it. It's not fun to try to keep it all under control. It's not relaxing to be counting drinks while constantly reassuring yourself that you're not as bad as so and so or that if you don't pass your 4 drink limit it's fine. It's just not fine for me anymore. After 2 sips by accident I just don't want any of it in my mind or in my life again. It's just not worth it.
In a way I'm grateful for this check in. It was a good way to examine my thoughts and feelings about being sober as I approach the 11 month mark. I still want this sober life. I want to feel all my feelings even when it super sucks and I think they might crush me. I need to feel them so that the really really good stuff doesn't get blotted out along with them. That burning in my chest of deep grief, that soul annihilating rage that grips me, that sobbing rush of sadness that leaves me crying in my car, that ecstatic joy when the kids get along for an entire board game, that sky high light floating glee of a gorgeous sunrise, that spinning nauseating grip of pure love for my partner, I'm having it all. Make it a double.
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