Don't Miss This, It's Almost Over

I dropped the girls off at the library.  After a day of headache and malaise Quinn still wanted to study with her friend at the library and since her headache seemed better I couldn’t really argue with a study plan.  She was just so excited to have a plan with a friend.  

We drove through the neighbourhood and the friend jumped in as Quinn apologized we didn’t have our normal car with more seats, that their bums had to squish and the seatbelts were trickier.  A girl with an apology, no surprises.

Standard mom, I with the “Do you like swimming? Oh wow that is a lot of time to spend. Do you have friends at swimming? It’s too bad you have practice on Halloween.”  As the girls chatted away my heart started to open, something I’m noticing more and more these days. A little tug to open ready to accept a note from the universe.

Something was about to be revealed.  

As I dropped her and her on-again-off-again friend at the curb I parked and said my goodbyes confirming the plan for pick up and admonishing them with “be safe” “have fun” as I waited for my message.  

I watched them bounce along the sidewalk, backpacks swishing, long hair dancing and short hair standing up with the wind.  Their arms still flailing because life hasn’t made them hold them still at their sides yet. Off they went and I paused waiting and watching and there it was: 

“don’t miss this, it’s almost over” 

I watched as she bounded into the library excited to be with her friend on her own time with her own plan.  I watched them until they ducked under the awning, I watched them as my heart stretched to its full capacity.  I watched them until my eyes blurred with tears of joy, pain and awe. How can she be so grown up? I saw the flashes of her as a baby and toddler and kiddo and like a blink off she goes into the library, off into the life she is now starting to take charge of.  

I’m sure all parents have these moments of pause:  Where did the time go? Did I do my best or did I miss it?

I know there are a thousand posts just like this.  I know you might also be noticing the passing of time and childhood in your own lives.  I know this message is not unique but the pause is new for me. I’m listening to my life and opening up to the messages around me.  I’m giving space to what matters; my partner, my kids.  

She has grown so fast, 12 years just gone.  Her spark not yet diminished even though the world is cold and cruel.  She is still just a baby but growing and making plans to study at the library.  Making plans to grow up against my own better judgement. She is a better mom than me most days.  She remembers things and sorts through daily problems with ease. She cares for her brothers in a way that is both pragmatic and boundless.  She understands looking after herself in a way that I’m still learning.  

Underneath it all, I suppose there is a pang of regret in watching her bounce away.  So many of her years with me as her mom I’ve been distracted by an inability to set boundaries on my time and space.  I have spent many days wishing them older so I can have some time to myself. It's only recently I'm realizing that they deserve my attention and that all the other garbage isn't worth it. I’m just learning that boundaries are the best. I’m finally seeing things clear and crisp, protecting my very small circle from the demands of the world. 

We have been bringing it all in close these days and saying no to a lot of things in order to flourish under our own roof. I think this is what allowed the message today, making time to listen to the tugs of my own heart.  An affirmation of our commitment to focus on our family of 5. And so it goes, another day in a family, another message, another post. The weeks have been revolving with increasing speed and as I struggle to take pause I am very aware that weeks passing faster means catastrophe is at bay so round and round I go reminding myself “don’t miss this, it’s almost over”...