I know we are the lucky ones

May 4, 2019

“I'd like to run away 

From you,

But if you didn't come

And find me...

I would die.” 

- Shirley Bassey

I was having a chat with some friends recently.  Two of us are married and the other is younger and recently broken up with her boyfriend.  My married friend and I were lamenting some of the more annoying parts of marriage/long term monogamous relationships and our single friend tentatively asked “Why do people do this at all?”

Great question.  

I’ve been with my husband for 22.5 years, married for 16 of them as of today.  While I don’t think I would do the legal part of it again because it’s not necessary, I would definitely have the big party about it!  I do love being married/partnered most of the time but I couldn’t properly articulate why I feel this way when I was put on the spot about it.  

I ended up sharing some stories of difficulties we are currently having and how the only way we are still together is because we acknowledge the problems that inevitably arise and work to solve them together.  We always leave the light on for each other (so to speak) and we have recently invented “wholehearted chats” which means that something is on our minds that may be difficult and we need the other person to use their whole heart to hear, absorb, respond and help resolve whatever has come up for us.

I do know that this isn’t always the case in other marriages.  I am very aware of marriages where both parties are ignoring or swallowing down all the feelings and the problems that occur and both people are really into pretending everything is going exactly as planned.  To be very clear, I would not last in one of these arrangements. In fact, I've joked recently that I’ve been feeling like there simply aren’t enough words in the English language for all the feelings I’ve been trying to articulate to Adam.  

There is no chance I’m pretending anything at all.  

I do not swallow things down.  I do not let things go. Not ever.  For better or for worse you are going to get the honest truth from me and I’m not going to let up until we are back on solid ground.

I’m sure this makes me a difficult person to be married to but also easier in some ways because there is no question as to where I stand on any given issue.  Adam always knows where I’m at and vice versa. We never back down from the big feelings or the inevitable pain that is caused when living closely with someone for over two decades.  Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid emotionally stomping on your partner, sometimes life just gets hard and we aren’t at our best. For us, we always apologize and acknowledge the heaviness of our “feet” and subsequent “bruises” that need rubbed and iced.  

As I’ve been mulling over the “why” of life long partnership I keep coming back to the fact that there is nothing like having a person that feels like home to you.  Someone that has known you so long and so deeply that they just get you and love you even though you are deeply flawed. Even though you will be a different version of yourself over and over and they are ready and excited for it.

Adam is home to me and wherever he is I am safe.  He’s given me a place to land every single time I’ve fallen.  I know that we won’t always agree. We will fuck up and hurt each other but we always come back to the table and sort through the mess and figure it out so we can fall in love all over again in a new way every time and so that makes my marriage worth it for me.  Being able to fall in love over and over is always surprising to me and it’s different every time. As we grow and change as people we are still committed to approaching each other with interest and wonder in our newest forms.

I can honestly say I’m not sure how I would do life without Adam.  The joy has been exponentially more with him by my side and the heartbreaks have been lessened with him to comfort me.  At the end of my life I will never regret my decision to travel through this life with him and no matter what happens I will always be grateful that we chose each other way back in high school and that we still choose each other every day, even when it’s hard.  Even when he does the laundry wrong. Even when I lose my mind over stupid stuff like bagels. Even when we get sick. Even when our people die and it tears our hearts out. Even then. More so then.  

When we can walk our person through the darkness, holding all of their tender parts, protecting them because being in the world feels like they have no skin.  When we show up for our partner when everything is darkness, well, that’s the light and that’s why I’m in this long haul love. Without it I’d have to find my own way out of the dark and that would be a long, cold journey. I might get lost.     

“I know we are, we are the lucky ones” - Bif Naked

July 25, 2003