There are no Little C's
I read my last post which was written in the glow of a bad doctor leading me to believe we were in the the clear, that was a nice time but it's over now. In the midst of a week of appointments leading up to a whole body scan (WBS) to see if there is any cancer left/growing in my body it's evident that this lucky cancer's ease is wearing thin. There has been nothing easy about this thyroid cancer experience and while I'm exceedingly grateful that science has come up with a decent treatment for this particular cancer the fact remains that our life is blown apart. Getting my medication right has been a bit of a nightmare. Having this scan looming has been mind bending. I have woken up hyperventilating, starting my day with full blown panic attacks, Adam got shingles to celebrate the level of stress we are under and I break down crying at the park sometimes...makes for interesting play dates, who am I kidding? We don't have play dates anymore, being the mom with cancer isn't light and fluffy enough for most moms.
We have spent the last year trying to figure out why we feel so upset and stressed and broken all the time. I mean, this is easy cancer right? Why the hell is it so hard for us? We have done hard things. We are strong people. We got through my dad's mental illness and suicide for goodness sakes. My business survived the economic collapse of 2008. We've lost 2 pregnancies. We are no stranger to adapting to the shit life throws at you right?
So we've stopped listening to the noise, we've accepted that we are where we are and we can do hard things and so getting to the point of accepting that this is a hard thing has been the biggest hurdle for us. It's a hard thing.
WE
CAN
DO
HARD
THINGS
So there's that.
Being bogged down in the shame of:
1) getting cancer ("Well she does love her wine, and she's always been overweight and there life is so stressful running two businesses with 3 kids yadayadayada")
2) struggling with having this cancer ("It's an easy cancer, why are they struggling? I knew someone once who had their thyroid removed and I don't remember them complaining at all. They are so lucky they should be grateful that it's not breast/liver/lung/pancreas/skin cancer")
3) not being who we were before ("moms so grumpy, she's so tired now, dad is so cranky, jeez")
has done us NO. DAMN. GOOD.
WE ARE WHERE WE ARE. Here we are! In admitting that this whole thing fucking sucks we have embraced how to go forward:
We've booked more vacations in the last year than any other time in our life together.
We hug everyone a little longer.
We say I love you every time even if it's awkward.
We've solidified friendships.
We are learning about self care.
We go on dates as often as we can.
We don't give two flying fucks what you think.
A few things I've learned:
As I work through this scanxiety I am hopeful the WBS will be clean and we can go back to working on getting my medication sorted. That I can start gently guiding my body back to wellness with exercise and eating well and if I never lose a pound that's ok because being alive and feeling well is enough now. I can do hard things. Hell, I ate radiation yesterday for the SECOND time and I can do it again if I must.
We have spent the last year trying to figure out why we feel so upset and stressed and broken all the time. I mean, this is easy cancer right? Why the hell is it so hard for us? We have done hard things. We are strong people. We got through my dad's mental illness and suicide for goodness sakes. My business survived the economic collapse of 2008. We've lost 2 pregnancies. We are no stranger to adapting to the shit life throws at you right?
So we've stopped listening to the noise, we've accepted that we are where we are and we can do hard things and so getting to the point of accepting that this is a hard thing has been the biggest hurdle for us. It's a hard thing.
WE
CAN
DO
HARD
THINGS
So there's that.
Being bogged down in the shame of:
1) getting cancer ("Well she does love her wine, and she's always been overweight and there life is so stressful running two businesses with 3 kids yadayadayada")
2) struggling with having this cancer ("It's an easy cancer, why are they struggling? I knew someone once who had their thyroid removed and I don't remember them complaining at all. They are so lucky they should be grateful that it's not breast/liver/lung/pancreas/skin cancer")
3) not being who we were before ("moms so grumpy, she's so tired now, dad is so cranky, jeez")
has done us NO. DAMN. GOOD.
WE ARE WHERE WE ARE. Here we are! In admitting that this whole thing fucking sucks we have embraced how to go forward:
We've booked more vacations in the last year than any other time in our life together.
We hug everyone a little longer.
We say I love you every time even if it's awkward.
We've solidified friendships.
We are learning about self care.
We go on dates as often as we can.
We don't give two flying fucks what you think.
A few things I've learned:
- I'm a hormonal crying machine and that's ok.
- I'm an advocate for my health.
- I listen to my body.
- I'm grateful for health benefits which my company provides for our entire staff which makes me proud.
- I'm ready to take charge of my wellness.
- I know whatever the scan reveals and whatever the next steps are (surgery, more radiation, chemo) I can do it and I will get through it.
- I know we will all die. This sounds crazy and you are likely thinking "well, duh" but I know it in the way it effects every decision I make, every interaction with my kids, every minute of every day I'm aware that this is it, right now is it, and there's freedom in that.
- I'm so grateful for the universe raising rent prices so my sister and her partner landed right back in our home right when we needed them, our village is 4 adults strong now, so one of us having cancer is more manageable.
- I need to meditate for sanity.
As I work through this scanxiety I am hopeful the WBS will be clean and we can go back to working on getting my medication sorted. That I can start gently guiding my body back to wellness with exercise and eating well and if I never lose a pound that's ok because being alive and feeling well is enough now. I can do hard things. Hell, I ate radiation yesterday for the SECOND time and I can do it again if I must.
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