Cancer Give and Take
There is a myth that living with cancer or living after cancer should be a magical land of gratitude and light where nothing ever gets you down and everything is rosy and great. I used to think about people who had cancer and didn't die and I thought they must have some kind of light following them around like they had tricked death. Not so. I've learned through my own experience that there are just so many versions of cancer, so many kinds, stages, outcomes that there isn't just one after story.
This is what it looks like for us:
Gratitude is as it always was: stronger some days than others and sometimes just out of reach. We got the "easy" cancer hand. The one that when the cancer comes, they cut it out, you do a small stint in hospital, you suffer depression and suicidal thoughts, you keep on trucking and they dismiss you. Totally grateful for this easy version but it still mega sucks and we are ready to move out of 2016 and into something a bit less awful.
Love is just as it always was: abundant and full and true and complicated. My relationships matter more than ever to me and telling people how much they mean to me is key now. No more fucking around, if I love you you are going to hear about it.
Life is just as it always was but with a bit more experience, a tad more patience and a lot more perspective but there are still bouts of selfishness, long days with ranting at the end and lots and lots of swearing.
There is a bit more worry and nagging in the back of my mind. Nothing is sure now, and it's clear that it never was. The edges are blurrier of all the decisions we had made about our future plans, my hard head is a bit softer and our compromises come a bit easier, We don't fight about little stuff. We aren't delaying the joy.
Cancer has given us tips and tools for living and it has taken away in equal amounts. It's taken away my physical ability to keep up. Little by little I'm learning where the limits are and playing within them. It's taken away our naivety and our cockiness. It's taken away friends that I guess weren't really friends anyway but it's given me new friends I know I will have my whole life. It's given me the ability to stop saying yes to shit I hate.
Cancer has made me really look at all the things I was able to wash over before. Cancer has made me examine my work and how it effects my family.
Case in point: on Friday I took the kids to the park after school as email after email kept rolling in and as I'm standing "uh huh'ing" my kid's "look at me mumma's" while I responded to inane requests for drapery related things that would have waited, another mom went running by squealing and chasing her kid and her head was thrown back laughing and it hit me:
Why am I not running and laughing?!
For fuck sakes WHY. AM. I. NOT. LAUGHING?
I love laughing. My kids love when I play with them.
My kids deserve to have me laughing and so for two days I've done the sane thing and checked my email once in the morning and carried on with my day. I have to be honest, it's been hard. I am physically uncomfortable giving up the moment to moment connection to my work but it's also been great and it's the right choice. And if anyone asks me why I don't respond on evenings and weekends, well cancer has also given me a great excuse to prioritize and protect my personal time.
It's also given me the time to write this blog because all the time I've saved not checking my email and Etsy apps, I've got more time to do the things there simply wasn't time for before. It's amazing.
Cancer takes, don't be fooled, it takes things you can't even see or name but I'm starting to see what it's giving me, a great excuse to find a better me, a better mom, a better friend and a better daughter/sister/partner. For now, I'll take it for as long as it's giving me the time to work at it. And I'll take it with a side of wine please.
This is what it looks like for us:
Gratitude is as it always was: stronger some days than others and sometimes just out of reach. We got the "easy" cancer hand. The one that when the cancer comes, they cut it out, you do a small stint in hospital, you suffer depression and suicidal thoughts, you keep on trucking and they dismiss you. Totally grateful for this easy version but it still mega sucks and we are ready to move out of 2016 and into something a bit less awful.
Love is just as it always was: abundant and full and true and complicated. My relationships matter more than ever to me and telling people how much they mean to me is key now. No more fucking around, if I love you you are going to hear about it.
Life is just as it always was but with a bit more experience, a tad more patience and a lot more perspective but there are still bouts of selfishness, long days with ranting at the end and lots and lots of swearing.
There is a bit more worry and nagging in the back of my mind. Nothing is sure now, and it's clear that it never was. The edges are blurrier of all the decisions we had made about our future plans, my hard head is a bit softer and our compromises come a bit easier, We don't fight about little stuff. We aren't delaying the joy.
Cancer has given us tips and tools for living and it has taken away in equal amounts. It's taken away my physical ability to keep up. Little by little I'm learning where the limits are and playing within them. It's taken away our naivety and our cockiness. It's taken away friends that I guess weren't really friends anyway but it's given me new friends I know I will have my whole life. It's given me the ability to stop saying yes to shit I hate.
Cancer has made me really look at all the things I was able to wash over before. Cancer has made me examine my work and how it effects my family.
Case in point: on Friday I took the kids to the park after school as email after email kept rolling in and as I'm standing "uh huh'ing" my kid's "look at me mumma's" while I responded to inane requests for drapery related things that would have waited, another mom went running by squealing and chasing her kid and her head was thrown back laughing and it hit me:
Why am I not running and laughing?!
For fuck sakes WHY. AM. I. NOT. LAUGHING?
I love laughing. My kids love when I play with them.
My kids deserve to have me laughing and so for two days I've done the sane thing and checked my email once in the morning and carried on with my day. I have to be honest, it's been hard. I am physically uncomfortable giving up the moment to moment connection to my work but it's also been great and it's the right choice. And if anyone asks me why I don't respond on evenings and weekends, well cancer has also given me a great excuse to prioritize and protect my personal time.
It's also given me the time to write this blog because all the time I've saved not checking my email and Etsy apps, I've got more time to do the things there simply wasn't time for before. It's amazing.
Cancer takes, don't be fooled, it takes things you can't even see or name but I'm starting to see what it's giving me, a great excuse to find a better me, a better mom, a better friend and a better daughter/sister/partner. For now, I'll take it for as long as it's giving me the time to work at it. And I'll take it with a side of wine please.
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