Shhhh
Don't tell the universe anything. Keep your mouth shut and head down and say nothing. I had it in my head that May 15, my 36th birthday, was going to be the "reset" - the "fresh start" we needed to get back to normal. Surely, it wouldn't be too much to ask to have some status quo for a bit, to get back on top of the work and home tasks that have been set aside since our life got flipped over in December? WRONGO! I was smote down with the worst flu virus I've ever had on May 10 and spent 4 days writhing around in bed with a fever and the worst body aches and chills I've ever experienced. I limped through my birthday weekend feeling like I'd been hit by a bus and my mental health state hit a new low - can't we catch a break? Adam is tired of being the full time parent. He's tired of all the tasks that I can't do falling into his lap and he's tired of taking care of me and the kids and never himself - can't HE catch a break??? Surely if I'm destined to hit every bump in the road this year he can get a bit of reprieve? WRONG AGAIN! Since he's tethered himself to this bumpy cart he gets to bump right along with it. And so we go. I'm feeling marginally better 13 days later but the cough that jumped on board when the fever broke is still hanging around and the doctor said to expect 3 weeks of feeling pretty crappy - blarg.
I marched myself right back into counselling yesterday for a good solid dose of "you are normal" "this will take time" and "you definitely need to see a different thyroid specialist" and so on the to do list are things like:
1) give yourself time to mourn who you were, you aren't going back there
2) try to get a break away to recoup some perspective
3) find a way to give this experience meaning so it doesn't swallow you up
4) schedule time for crying if you have to
5) reexamine your priorities and make your life reflect them again
So super fun life overhaul basically. I need it so it was good to hear that this feeling of being lost in myself again is entirely normal. Being faced with your own mortality requires attention and time regardless of how adaptable and resilient you are - you don't say?! Good to hear it though. I've been feeling more and more shaken by the photos of myself in the house, they are making me feel increasingly sad and suffocated - will I ever feel like that person again? The short answer is no because along side all the other tasks at hand I now have the job of rebuilding myself. I am overwhelmed but grateful to have a long time ahead of me in which to do this work but it's a work I have little energy or skill in.
Seeking out the good is a big first step which we did on repeat this weekend. I looked my kids in their faces on purpose and swallowed them up in big hugs and said lots of Iloveyous. I drank one two many cocktails snuggled up chatting with Adam on Friday and we both lamented the long weekends allure to temptations at the outset. We burned some money up on the biggest/best fireworks with some of our favourites and I ate cake and pie and pie and cake. I definitely made up for the lost birthday weekend of snowy sick discontent and that's a good start. And so we go...
I marched myself right back into counselling yesterday for a good solid dose of "you are normal" "this will take time" and "you definitely need to see a different thyroid specialist" and so on the to do list are things like:
1) give yourself time to mourn who you were, you aren't going back there
2) try to get a break away to recoup some perspective
3) find a way to give this experience meaning so it doesn't swallow you up
4) schedule time for crying if you have to
5) reexamine your priorities and make your life reflect them again
So super fun life overhaul basically. I need it so it was good to hear that this feeling of being lost in myself again is entirely normal. Being faced with your own mortality requires attention and time regardless of how adaptable and resilient you are - you don't say?! Good to hear it though. I've been feeling more and more shaken by the photos of myself in the house, they are making me feel increasingly sad and suffocated - will I ever feel like that person again? The short answer is no because along side all the other tasks at hand I now have the job of rebuilding myself. I am overwhelmed but grateful to have a long time ahead of me in which to do this work but it's a work I have little energy or skill in.
Seeking out the good is a big first step which we did on repeat this weekend. I looked my kids in their faces on purpose and swallowed them up in big hugs and said lots of Iloveyous. I drank one two many cocktails snuggled up chatting with Adam on Friday and we both lamented the long weekends allure to temptations at the outset. We burned some money up on the biggest/best fireworks with some of our favourites and I ate cake and pie and pie and cake. I definitely made up for the lost birthday weekend of snowy sick discontent and that's a good start. And so we go...
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| Sickest coldest birthday ever. |
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