Learning is Messy
I've been stewing about this blog for over a week and haven't had a free moment to put words to screen. I had an aha! moment around a week ago as we all sat at dinner watching Sebastian painstakingly try to pick up grains of rice and deposit them into his cup. He would very carefully get the grain from his bowl on the end of his plastic fork and then try to get his cup in position to drop the rice in all the while splattering rice all over himself, the table, the big kid sitting next to him. The big kids became quite distraught at the amount of mess being created and their frustration was escalating when I said out loud "Just be patient! Learning is messy! We were patient with you while you tried to get your hands to do what you wanted and Sebastian deserves the same from us" - AHA! So simple.
LEARNING IS MESSY
The big question that I've been banging around in my brain is why I can't offer myself the same patience, space and love while I navigate learning this new way of life through the muddy waters that is a cancer diagnosis? Why am I stuck in this dark place feeling like I should be able to buck up and tough it out? Why is it ok to have patience for our children, friends, family, staff etc and not ourselves?
The more I ask myself this the more frustrated I get with myself instead of more forgiving which doesn't make any sense at all. I'm clearly in the process of learning something here because each day is a trial and it's brutal hard. Every little thing is a challenge. I can't even really describe how or why but I'm burning up so much energy trying not to think about cancer I think I'm just done. Done with feeling anything good or bad. Done with trying to make other people feel ok about it and done with myself. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my sick self.
A friend and client who has been through this said to give myself a year to recover spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Decent advice and way more welcome than "you're fine!" - she was clear to mention that like anything the losses I'm accumulating take time. Loss of an organ, loss of my energy, loss of my pre-cancer self, loss of our life plan.
I am having that strong feeling again of "Where am I?" that I felt so profoundly after having Quinn. I'm in here somewhere but that means trekking around the dark places to drudge the "me" out if that makes any sense at all. In the dark places lie the demons I have already wrestled but what if they are up for one last round? I find myself wishing for a future time or a past time and running from whatever is happening right now. I'm missing it. I'm missing my life. I miss my life and it's happening right in front of me.
At the end of this, where ever or whenever that is I'm hoping for a bright shiny outlook to appear on top of the lessons I've learned. A new future full of insight and hope and honour. For today I will exercise, eat well, take my vitamins and hug all the littles. I will do my job well and reach out to my friends in need and get the groceries. I will do all the things along side fighting to find where I've gone. I will be tired and none of my clothes will fit because I have the only type of cancer that makes you fatter. In 16 days I will learn if part of me is in Aruba which is really great but also a bit horrifying that the darkness will find me even in the sun.
I learned some things when my dad died. I mainly learned them from my mom and we repeat the following on the regular:
I will keep putting my feet on the floor when the alarm goes. I will keep getting in the hot shower and seeking out my hot coffee because if I make it that far there's no reason not to keep on going.
I did it then and I'll do it now. Only this time I do it alone because it's really just me lost in this. I will do it alone because I know there is hope here somewhere, on the other side of the body scan there is joy and freedom and even if the news is bad there will be the knowledge of what's next. I will strive to accept the mess that is everything as I learn this lesson.
"Don't postpone joy until you've learned all your lessons. Joy is your lesson." ~ Alan Cohen
LEARNING IS MESSY
The big question that I've been banging around in my brain is why I can't offer myself the same patience, space and love while I navigate learning this new way of life through the muddy waters that is a cancer diagnosis? Why am I stuck in this dark place feeling like I should be able to buck up and tough it out? Why is it ok to have patience for our children, friends, family, staff etc and not ourselves?
The more I ask myself this the more frustrated I get with myself instead of more forgiving which doesn't make any sense at all. I'm clearly in the process of learning something here because each day is a trial and it's brutal hard. Every little thing is a challenge. I can't even really describe how or why but I'm burning up so much energy trying not to think about cancer I think I'm just done. Done with feeling anything good or bad. Done with trying to make other people feel ok about it and done with myself. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my sick self.
A friend and client who has been through this said to give myself a year to recover spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Decent advice and way more welcome than "you're fine!" - she was clear to mention that like anything the losses I'm accumulating take time. Loss of an organ, loss of my energy, loss of my pre-cancer self, loss of our life plan.
I am having that strong feeling again of "Where am I?" that I felt so profoundly after having Quinn. I'm in here somewhere but that means trekking around the dark places to drudge the "me" out if that makes any sense at all. In the dark places lie the demons I have already wrestled but what if they are up for one last round? I find myself wishing for a future time or a past time and running from whatever is happening right now. I'm missing it. I'm missing my life. I miss my life and it's happening right in front of me.
At the end of this, where ever or whenever that is I'm hoping for a bright shiny outlook to appear on top of the lessons I've learned. A new future full of insight and hope and honour. For today I will exercise, eat well, take my vitamins and hug all the littles. I will do my job well and reach out to my friends in need and get the groceries. I will do all the things along side fighting to find where I've gone. I will be tired and none of my clothes will fit because I have the only type of cancer that makes you fatter. In 16 days I will learn if part of me is in Aruba which is really great but also a bit horrifying that the darkness will find me even in the sun.
I learned some things when my dad died. I mainly learned them from my mom and we repeat the following on the regular:
I will keep putting my feet on the floor when the alarm goes. I will keep getting in the hot shower and seeking out my hot coffee because if I make it that far there's no reason not to keep on going.
I did it then and I'll do it now. Only this time I do it alone because it's really just me lost in this. I will do it alone because I know there is hope here somewhere, on the other side of the body scan there is joy and freedom and even if the news is bad there will be the knowledge of what's next. I will strive to accept the mess that is everything as I learn this lesson.
"Don't postpone joy until you've learned all your lessons. Joy is your lesson." ~ Alan Cohen
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| Stuck in the dark seeking the light. |
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