Bitter and Sweet
I did it! I walked down the hall and got up on the table and didn't feel panicked - that might be a lie. The doctors and nurses were all so kind and just like that Surgery 2 is done. I am grateful. Everything went well according to the surgeon (although she said that before and, well, cancer) so I'm not hanging hope on anything but the fact that I will find the strength to deal with whatever comes my way next.
I woke up in recovery feeling less horrid than last time which is a win. They gave me some neat drugs which made me feel pretty great and then pretty gross. Down side this time is they have to monitor the calcium in my blood very closely which means constant jabs to take blood and I apparently have no veins which is just awesome.
I'm so glad to have it behind me, the relief is palpable. Now increase the patience to stay in bed to recover fully...that's the trick.
I'm also very glad Adam and I got away for 2 nights last week before my crushing New Year's darkness fell over me (seriously when the clock struck 12 cancer was no longer "next year's" problem and the fear crept back in).
Big thanks to my mom and Gary who held down the fort for us. We had some great moments. Like the kind you remember forever which was just nice to have under our belt before going into this next wave of surgery and recovery.
One thing we've really excelled at since the whole surgery/cancer/surgery is crying in public in unison. So special ha! We, of course, couldn't leave the Shangri-La out and so there we sat on our first night in the city discussing life so far and the almost 19 years we've been together. The ups and downs and as Adam barely choked out "well the bitter just makes the sweet that much sweeter" it was all over but the crying as they say. I chose a good one. The best one (I may be biased). When the musician played "Into the Mystic" shortly thereafter we had to admit that being in your mid-thirties with tears streaming down your face in public isn't so bad after all, is it? Who even knows anymore. I just know I'll never forget the way my heart felt in that moment. The way our life spanned out and stopped and the gratitude we had for each other and everything we have made together and that can't be all bad. But fuck cancer really. It totally sucks. And this is the easy kind.
One of my client/friends (and there have been soooo many that have been just so wonderful) said recently "cancer takes you to all the dark places, the scariest places" and you don't have a choice you just have to go there and fight your way back and it's exhausting.
The energy that gets taken up is shocking and so our house is dirtier, the meals are shittier and what little energy is left over gets spent snuggling the babies tighter and that will have to do for now. To the folks who have brought meals and gifts I can't even express how helpful that is. To my mom and MIL I can only hope to one day be as loving and supportive as you guys. I'm only imagining how hard it is to see us go through this and the only way to get my head around it is to think of my own kids going through it and that seriously does me right in.
This bitter part though will make the rest of this year seem like a treat. We have a family vacation to Aruba in 5 weeks! I'm taking my savings and setting it aside for a weekend away with Adam in the Spring! Our kids are growing and healthy and hilarious! I am totally excited for getting back to work on my business which is booming!
We will cherish all the moments and enjoy all the things because what more is there? Radiation? Fuck that noise. Body scan? Screw that too. I'm going to the joy on this one. I have a lot of it lined up so I'm heading there first. 2016 can still be great, I'm banking on it.
P.S. A couple cute quotes from the big H that keep making me smile: "Mom, your breath smells like you swallowed a fart" & "Gary's basically your dad now" - can't really argue with either...
I woke up in recovery feeling less horrid than last time which is a win. They gave me some neat drugs which made me feel pretty great and then pretty gross. Down side this time is they have to monitor the calcium in my blood very closely which means constant jabs to take blood and I apparently have no veins which is just awesome.
I'm so glad to have it behind me, the relief is palpable. Now increase the patience to stay in bed to recover fully...that's the trick.
I'm also very glad Adam and I got away for 2 nights last week before my crushing New Year's darkness fell over me (seriously when the clock struck 12 cancer was no longer "next year's" problem and the fear crept back in).
Big thanks to my mom and Gary who held down the fort for us. We had some great moments. Like the kind you remember forever which was just nice to have under our belt before going into this next wave of surgery and recovery.
One thing we've really excelled at since the whole surgery/cancer/surgery is crying in public in unison. So special ha! We, of course, couldn't leave the Shangri-La out and so there we sat on our first night in the city discussing life so far and the almost 19 years we've been together. The ups and downs and as Adam barely choked out "well the bitter just makes the sweet that much sweeter" it was all over but the crying as they say. I chose a good one. The best one (I may be biased). When the musician played "Into the Mystic" shortly thereafter we had to admit that being in your mid-thirties with tears streaming down your face in public isn't so bad after all, is it? Who even knows anymore. I just know I'll never forget the way my heart felt in that moment. The way our life spanned out and stopped and the gratitude we had for each other and everything we have made together and that can't be all bad. But fuck cancer really. It totally sucks. And this is the easy kind.
One of my client/friends (and there have been soooo many that have been just so wonderful) said recently "cancer takes you to all the dark places, the scariest places" and you don't have a choice you just have to go there and fight your way back and it's exhausting.
The energy that gets taken up is shocking and so our house is dirtier, the meals are shittier and what little energy is left over gets spent snuggling the babies tighter and that will have to do for now. To the folks who have brought meals and gifts I can't even express how helpful that is. To my mom and MIL I can only hope to one day be as loving and supportive as you guys. I'm only imagining how hard it is to see us go through this and the only way to get my head around it is to think of my own kids going through it and that seriously does me right in.
This bitter part though will make the rest of this year seem like a treat. We have a family vacation to Aruba in 5 weeks! I'm taking my savings and setting it aside for a weekend away with Adam in the Spring! Our kids are growing and healthy and hilarious! I am totally excited for getting back to work on my business which is booming!
We will cherish all the moments and enjoy all the things because what more is there? Radiation? Fuck that noise. Body scan? Screw that too. I'm going to the joy on this one. I have a lot of it lined up so I'm heading there first. 2016 can still be great, I'm banking on it.
P.S. A couple cute quotes from the big H that keep making me smile: "Mom, your breath smells like you swallowed a fart" & "Gary's basically your dad now" - can't really argue with either...
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| If there are smiles we will find them! |
Kids really do say the darnest things. My hormones got me all teary reading this. And makes me think of my child. You're so strong for fighting back xoxo
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