The Thing With Cancer

Most days in the last week have been full of wonder which happens when no one has to go to work or school or encounter the daily challenges of life in general.  We had just an incredible day on Christmas Day just hanging out and having amazing food and wine and at one point we all went outside, started a fire in the outdoor stove and busted out some prosciutto baked figs and wine on the patio just to make sure we could never top this cancer Christmas.  

The fact we had plenty of private smiles of "this is awesome!" and the kids have been acting like angels doesn't cancel out the fact that with cancer around sometimes you still need to hide and cry. You still need to feel scared and annoyed about surgery lurking around New Years corner.  You still have to find patience and kindness when your inner child is screaming "I JUST DON'T FUCKING WANT TO!!!"

But I will.  I will go into the hospital and shed all of the things that make me me and don the hospital gown of indecency. I will walk myself down that hall and climb up onto the table while they read my procedure out like I'm a number instead of a person and I will scream silently "I love my family" over and over as I feel my body go to sleep and I will wake up in pain but not wanting meds because of my extreme fear of barfing after throat surgery. 

I will repeat the quote from Franklin - yes Franklin the damned Turtle - from the one where he cracks his shell that reminds us that being brave is being afraid but doing what we have to do anyway.  I will spend the three or four days dreading the next disgusting meal and loving those that stop in with real food.  I will overuse the up and down of the hospital bed and hopefully not get tangled in the IV again (that story's a doozy).

I will spend a week not being able to hold my sweet baby or hug my big kids.  A week of relying on everyone for every little thing which defeats me in the worst way. I will monitor my business from my Mac book and nag via email and make everyone crazy. I will do what needs doing and I will stomp my feet about it and that's ok too and you can't judge me because until you've had the thing with cancer come knocking at your door you don't get to judge but you can be damned sure when it comes knocking I will know what you need - and if I don't I will be able to know enough just to watch and listen and see - I'm learning about that and that's good too.