Mute
The fear is gone.
I would love to say I found a magic trick to delete it but I can't access it right now and I did nothing to hide it.
It is in a hidden file I can't reach.
I'm fine with it. I hope to never feel it ever again.
It's possible I'm in self preservation mode. Christmas time is always nutty with both of our businesses going into overdrive and the kids/concerts/gifts bring it to a whole new level. Add to that doctor appointments and an impending surgery and no child care because of a virus Henry got that our nanny can't get and I think my brain has shut off the fear part that makes sleep stop happening and the smiles from appearing. I'm thankful this is the case today.
Right now the effect of the diagnosis is predominately that I really see my husband. Like when he looks at me I see him. I see what he does for us and how lucky I am. I really see my kids. All the joy and frustration and the amazing little people they are, I really see them. I see each minute of rest as important.
I see the moments that you are always supposed to savour and I savour them. It's a gift. I'm seeing it as a gift. Whatever comes next is what it is. Today this muted existence with the "moments" highlighted is the best Christmas gift I'll receive this year (but wine is still good if you are wondering what I want)...
I have a list of questions revolving around my brain for the specialist on the 22nd and so here they are out in the world so I can stop trying to memorize them:
What are the long term effects of the RIA?
What types of things are done to ensure I have the medication correct after my thyroid is gone?
What type of scanning is done down the line to watch for recurrence?
How/where/when is the body scan done?
What are the chances of other cancers developing in a person who has had thyroid cancer?
Why did the biopsy say benign?
I would love to say I found a magic trick to delete it but I can't access it right now and I did nothing to hide it.
It is in a hidden file I can't reach.
I'm fine with it. I hope to never feel it ever again.
It's possible I'm in self preservation mode. Christmas time is always nutty with both of our businesses going into overdrive and the kids/concerts/gifts bring it to a whole new level. Add to that doctor appointments and an impending surgery and no child care because of a virus Henry got that our nanny can't get and I think my brain has shut off the fear part that makes sleep stop happening and the smiles from appearing. I'm thankful this is the case today.
Right now the effect of the diagnosis is predominately that I really see my husband. Like when he looks at me I see him. I see what he does for us and how lucky I am. I really see my kids. All the joy and frustration and the amazing little people they are, I really see them. I see each minute of rest as important.
I see the moments that you are always supposed to savour and I savour them. It's a gift. I'm seeing it as a gift. Whatever comes next is what it is. Today this muted existence with the "moments" highlighted is the best Christmas gift I'll receive this year (but wine is still good if you are wondering what I want)...
I have a list of questions revolving around my brain for the specialist on the 22nd and so here they are out in the world so I can stop trying to memorize them:
What are the long term effects of the RIA?
What types of things are done to ensure I have the medication correct after my thyroid is gone?
What type of scanning is done down the line to watch for recurrence?
How/where/when is the body scan done?
What are the chances of other cancers developing in a person who has had thyroid cancer?
Why did the biopsy say benign?
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